Chasing Ideals vs. Trusting Your Judgment in Parenting and Home Education

Before I became a parent, I had a fairly clear picture of how I might raise my kids. It was the same at the start of home education. I did lots of research and had a pretty clear plan of how things would go.

But obviously it didn't take long before reality hit and I discovered my plans and ideals were not so easy to uphold. Things came up I hadn't expected and a lot didn't go according to plan, so it felt natural to look for some help in certain areas.

Which is normal, right? When we're new to something, especially something as important and personal as raising and educating our kids, we look for reassurance and advice. "Just do this and it’ll be ok" or "Follow these simple steps" is a big comfort.

The tricky part comes when guidance or theories start to feel a bit dogmatic - as though that particular way is the only way. And there's unfortunately a lot of that to navigate in the worlds of parenting and home education.

Finding Your Way Through the Advice

I remember in my very first week of being a mum, I started to feel overwhelmed by conflicting advice and opinions about the "best" way to do even the smallest things - it was something I'd never experienced before. A very kind midwife reminded me that as I got to know my child, I’d start to know what to do.

And while advice can be incredibly helpful when it’s needed and asked for, there’s a lot we learn simply by staying tuned in to what's happening right in front of us.

This is exactly the same for home education.

It's deeply personal and nuanced. We’re not just educating a child - we’re educating this child, with their particular temperament, personality, needs and learning styles. Not to mention thinking about our family's own circumstances, backgrounds and resources. Advice can be helpful, but only you can figure out what actually works for your family.

So in this post I want to share something I’ve learned over the years: chasing home education ideals too rigidly can actually make life harder, not easier.

When Ideals Backfire

Something I've observed many times in home ed circles is that holding tightly to certain approaches and methods for fear of doing things 'wrong' or damaging our kids can slowly erode our own self-trust and confidence and leave us needing even more reassurance. This can include anything from specific learning approaches to ideas around neurodivergence, diet, health and general lifestyle to name just a few.

If an approach doesn't seem to be working, it's very common to hear:"You just need to try harder" or to be encouraged toward a deeper guide or course promising even more knowledge. This kind of advice, while sometimes useful, can also lead to parents feeling frustrated, overwhelmed or unsure of themselves.

The problem isn’t with the ideals themselves. There’s a lot of helpful advice and guidance out there but no single approach fits every child or every family situation.

For example, home ed approaches such as Unschooling - an idea that’s often misunderstood - Montessori, Waldorf or Classical education can work beautifully for some families. But if our own child doesn’t seem to be responding to a particular approach, that in itself is valuable information.

If you have to contort yourself to fit an ideal, and stress yourself and maybe everyone else out in the process (I've been there), perhaps it's not you or your family that's the problem, but that the approach itself isn't right for you.

Many of us come to home education because we’re uncomfortable with the one-size-fits-all nature of school learning. And yet, within home education spaces, it’s easy for that same rigidity to reappear - just attached to a different method.

What Research and Experience Agree On

Of course there are some principles that feel fairly timeless and are supported by research - strong connection and presence, the power of listening, autonomy and parents being supported rather than constantly overwhelmed.

These ideas aren’t new, but even they can sometimes get wrapped up in countless interpretations, frameworks and step-by-step approaches. The tricky part is when guidance is presented as a universal solution or is guaranteed to work for our particular circumstances.

But all of these well-intentioned ideals only make sense in the context of each family’s realities and starting points:

• A parent who grew up in a calm, secure home is likely to find it easier to stay regulated during their child’s big emotions.
• Someone who loved school and enjoys learning probably feels more confident guiding learning at home.
• Families with time, support and space to rest may find child-led approaches feel natural, while those juggling financial pressures or limited space may need different strategies.
• Access to materials, outdoor space or basic household resources can shape what learning looks like in practice.
• Families navigating neurodivergence - whether in parents or children - may find certain approaches more challenging or need adaptations to make them work.

These matter so much. Advice that tells you to try harder, follow 'simple' steps or spend money for more guidance can unintentionally undermine a parent’s confidence and ability to find solutions that work for them.

Seeking Guidance Is Normal - And Positive

There’s much to be learned from others. Many of us are following different paths from those we experienced growing up and in these moments, it’s normal to feel uncertain and look for help.

But the danger of leaning too heavily on guidance or attaching yourself to a particular theory or expert is that we can start outsourcing our thinking to others, forgetting that our own observations and judgment are just as important - and that’s where real confidence comes from.

Ultimately, we each have to make the final judgment call and be intentional about where we're getting our information. Seeking counter perspectives can help balance things out and remind us to trust our own thinking. It’s a skill we can model for our children: to question, consider alternatives and form their own judgment in a world full of competing advice.

As Henry David Thoreau said:

"Think for yourself, or others will think for you without thinking of you."

Choosing reality over perfection

Letting go of unnecessary rules and rigid approaches has brought surprising relief for us as a family, but the work is never done. There will be more to attend to in time, I'm sure.

However, I've found the following questions useful when I'm looking for guidance:

• What can we sustainably manage as a family?
• What feels supportive for all of us, not just good on paper?
• What helps my children thrive when I actually observe them?
• What helps me stay calm, present and sleep well at night - rather than lying awake worrying about getting things right?

If video games spark curiosity, direct maths lessons build confidence or checking progress against school with tests or a curriculum works for your family - who gets to say that’s wrong?

Why this matters in home education

Home education, more than anything, calls for openness - being willing to adapt, reflect and respond to your child and your family as you go. It's far from an easy choice. When we build our own sense of what matters and what works for us, it’s easier to feel anchored and confident, instead of feeling unsteady with all the advice and new ideas.