Sibling rivalry is a completely normal part of family life. We’ll never get rid of it completely, but we can help our kids navigate it so it doesn’t overshadow our days.

I've dealt with my fair share of sibling struggles over the years - I've written about some of them here. With home ed, our kids are together a lot more, so it's even more important for everyone's sanity and wellbeing that it doesn't take over our home or our moods.

Here I'll share simple tools that have worked well for us to keep the rivalry a much smaller part of our home life. They're not overnight fixes, they take practice. But they can quickly shift the energy from high-stress to calm surprisingly quickly.

You First: The Parent’s Role

Let's be honest: we have a huge part to play. Some kids naturally rub each other up the wrong way, but our reaction can either escalate or de-escalate things. When I’m stressed or irritated, it always makes things worse.

Taking a deep breath before I enter the room, or waiting until I'm calmer (unless it's getting physical), makes a big difference. These strategies are for the moments when I can find that patience.

Sibling Conflict Mediation: A Step-by-Step Toolkit

Resisting the urge to jump in and ‘fix’ things immediately takes time, but it's really powerful. Aiming to create space for them to work through things with a bit of support and guidance definitely pays off in the long run.

It's not just a blueprint for sibling conflict, it's a life skill. It's taken me years as an adult to learn, so being able to help my kids with this from the start feels really important.

Here's a step-by-step guide to handling those conflicts:

  1. Calm First:  Only mediate if you feel up to it. If you’re stressed, you’ll just add fuel to the fire. Take a deep breath before entering the room, sit down on the floor - and say nothing. This alone can change the entire energy in the room.
  2. No Blame, No Shame: Avoid jumping to conclusions, especially if you didn’t see what happened. Each child will have their own version and it's important they get to share it. Even if one of them has physically hurt the other, it's so powerful if you can show that you're not taking sides - trust me.
  3. Listen (Really Listen): One at a time, ask each child: 'Do you want to say something?' and then give them uninterrupted space to speak. The other child will try to interrupt, it’s normal, but we can keep reminding them they'll have their chance.
  4. The Perspective Shift: Repeating Back: (This can be the hardest part, whether it works depends on the situation). Ask each child to repeat back what the other said. This helps them see things from a different perspective. If they struggle, help them out. It's hard when you feel wronged to acknowledge the other side, but I've found it to be really effective.
  5. Strategies: If a solution needs to be found, it's much easier to find it now everyone has been heard. Ask for their ideas, add some of your own and work to find one that everyone is happy with. Again, how well this works depends on the situation. In the beginning, if they're not used to it, it takes much longer. Over time, this step becomes much quicker.
  6. When Mediation Isn't Working: Sometimes, time and space is the best solution. If mediation isn’t working, separation is probably needed. Give everyone time to calm down - it can take 10 minutes to a whole afternoon, depending on your kids! Sometimes, the angry cloud just lifts and they're the best of friends again. If so, leave it. But you may need to get together to talk if it's a deeper or recurring issue.

Keys to a Happier Sibling Relationship

If only all sibling squabbles ended this way!

🤫 Sometimes, Keeping Out of It is Best

  • Low-level bickering - funny looks, snarky comments - often resolve themselves if ignored.
  • If one child is consistently on the receiving end though, a conversation is probably needed; otherwise, stepping back and doing nothing works best.

👨‍👦 The Power of One-on-One Time

  • A lot of sibling conflicts stem from a need for undivided attention.
  • Regular one-on-one time doesn’t have to be fancy: reading, playing, chatting, or just being present during mundane moments works just as well as anything elaborate.
  • If a child needs extra space from siblings, 1:1 time with grandparents, other family members, or close friends can help too.

⚖️ Fair Doesn't Have to Mean Equal

  • Trying to make everything equal is exhausting and fuels rivalry. This was definitely the case for my sister and I when I was growing up - we were far more competitive as a result.
  • Focus on fairness - meeting each child’s needs:
    • One child gets a new coat; the other doesn’t need one.
    • One child goes to bed earlier for extra sleep.
    • A child going through a tough time might need more one-on-one attention.
  • Open conversations about differences help kids understand that fairness isn’t always “the same.” Over time this builds trust and reduces rivalry.

♨️ Prevent Conflict Hotspots

  • Some conflicts happen in predictable times or places (if it's anything like my kids: waiting by the front door so they can be out first, racing each other down the stairs, pressing buttons for trains and lifts).
  • But these small annoyances can be draining and can also escalate quickly depending on everyone’s mood.
  • Being aware of these hotspots means you can plan ahead to prevent them when you can, and make simple rules together.

😒 It’s OK If They Don’t Like Each Other All the Time

  • Siblings have a unique ability to annoy each other more than anyone else - that’s normal.
  • Allowing them to feel annoyed or disconnected and voicing it to you without judgment can reduce the pressure for them to always 'get on' and often leads to more genuine connection.

❤️ Notice the Good Stuff

  • When they’re getting along, point it out casually.
  • Highlight the better moments between them, like shared interests, laughing at a joke or playing together, to balance out the bickering.

Final Thoughts

Sibling squabbles are normal. Rather than trying to eliminate them, we can try to navigate them with empathy, patience and a little bit of humour. And accepting that sometimes...we'll just mess it up.

Taking care of yourself is crucial so you have the energy and patience needed for this, even more so if it takes up a big chunk of your day.

I hope you find some of these strategies useful. Every family's different, every stage of childhood is different, and so things constantly need to be modified and refined. Be kind to yourself, and remember that you're doing the best you can.

💛 Get in touch if you have any further questions around this, I'd love to hear from you. Email me at jo@thehomeedhelp.com