When Siblings Don’t Get Along (And How to Handle It)

Home educating multiple kids has many perks - they always have a playmate, they learn from each other and sometimes can even give you a break (when they're getting on well!).

But there’s a catch: sibling conflicts can very easily totally derail your day.

I've been in the 'sibling conflict mediation' game for almost 7 years now 💪 - I was thrown into it the day I brought home my second baby. Not one for bribes, punishments or reward charts, I ended up experimenting like a mad scientist, trying out different approaches to find out what was really going on beneath that behaviour and try to find something that actually worked.

A Shift in Perspective

Here’s the biggest insight I’ve learned: the arguments are rarely about the thing they’re fighting over - they’re about feelings.

• Wanting attention
• Wanting fairness
• Wanting to be heard

This might be nothing new to you, but for me, back then when it was so different to how I'd handled conflict in the past. It was pretty eye opening. And keeping this in mind has made it easier to respond with empathy instead of immediately judging who’s “right” or “wrong.”

When I was a child, my sister and I fought a lot. My parents usually did one of two things:

1. Rush in to find a “culprit” and punish them
2. Leave us to deal with it ourselves

Neither approach worked. What remained were two kids plotting revenge, feeling deep injustice or feeling like they'd 'got one over' on the other.

The same patterns show up everywhere in society: school playgrounds, workplaces, courtrooms. Quick blame might feel satisfying, but it doesn’t solve the root problem.

A Real-Life Example

One of the biggest eye-openers for me was acknowledging my son’s dislike of his baby sister.

It’s hard when one of your children hurts the other. A mix of love, protection, sadness and guilt comes up which can be hard to process. I found myself struggling to stay calm when my toddler hit or snatched things from his newborn sister.

After some advice from the brilliant Oona Alexander, I tried something simple. I just said to him one day:

“It’s really hard having a baby sister.”

He stopped what he was doing, looked straight at me, and said: “Can you say that again?”

I repeated it and I can still remember the look on his face. It was absolute joy and relief. I gave him a big hug and we chatted about how tough it was sometimes to have a sibling - he didn't hold back! After that it was as though a weight had been lifted from him. Things changed quite dramatically after that. He was much less aggressive and seemed to connect better with his sister - all from that one little phrase. He'd finally felt really seen and understood by me.

Why This Matters for Home Education

If this is something you're struggling with at the moment, I get it. I know how much these squabbles can drain your energy before the day's even begun. I know how frustrating and tiring it can be and how it can derail plans you were hopeful about.

With home ed, the sibling issues can feel more intense because your kids are together a lot of the time. But it's also a really valuable time to work on it - it's as important as any academic work they might do, maybe even more so.

Take the Next Step

I’ve put together everything that's worked for us into a step-by-step guide to mediating sibling conflict. It doesn’t eliminate all fights, but it gives you a framework so:

• Conflicts don’t take over your day
• Kids learn to manage disagreements
• You feel more confident and calm

You'll find it in the Practical Tips section of my website, which is available to paid members. If you’d like to access it, you can sign up here and have immediate access to everything across the site.